Wednesday, December 01, 2004
From India
Hi Shel.
When I got up this morning the wind was making a strange sound in the woods on the mountain behind the house. el said that’s how the wind sounds in a bad storm. It’s been raining all night too, by the looks of it.
It’s strange in a way; so much I just take for granted out here, even though I haven’t had that much time out with ops. Noises I don’t know perplex me. A noise can stop me dead in my tracks until I identify it. Ian says it’s tied to being a protector. We’re more sensitive to everything going on around us.
Apparently Dr. Dwon taught you that being constantly hyper alert isn’t a good thing. In some ways I agree with that, in others I don’t. It does take a lot of energy I guess, but I still think it’s better to know what’s going on around you.
You haven’t shaken it completely yourself. You nearly always choose a table in a restaurant placed where you can see the doors your back to the wall. Being so attentive is what makes you a good reporter. You don’t miss much.
The rain is turning to snow now. el walked outside yesterday morning and said, “It will snow within 24 hours.” How did he know?
I’ve got a lot to learn if I’m going to stay.
Outside is bigger than I thought. And more complex than I remembered. It’s pretty discouraging. I can understand why Gwen and Baby stay inside most of the time. I don’t have any dreams to fulfill, no desire to be any particular thing like an artist or a writer, or to learn how to design websites. I doubt I’d be much good at public speaking or any of the rest of the things you Qs who make money do.
In fact I don’t know what I’m good at except watching and being ready to protect Taya and the Q.
Is that enough?
I know it sounds dumb but I’ve been reading about Ghandi. I thought he was totally non-violent. But he wasn’t unless I’m confused. Some of what he said indicates it’s all right to defend you family. Which made me feel better because I was getting all mixed up and feeling pretty guilty about always being ready to fight if I need to. You understand what I mean Shel; I know you do because even now you’re ready. It’s not about being angry. It’s not about expressing anger. It’s a cold silent readiness to defend what you hold dearest.
Then I wondered for a while why what happened to us had to ever happen to anyone. I know you wonder too, is evil just inherent in some people? Is it their response to society or lack of nurturing? Or is their brain awash with a batch of aberrant chemicals?
I know you have a difficult time reconciling your experiences with our father as scientist, teacher, hero and abuser.
You were constantly measured against his unattainable standard. No achievement ever won his true attention. You never earned his love.
Ghandi said this, “Man's nature is not essentially evil. Brute nature has been known to yield to the influence of love. You must never despair of human nature.” He also said, “Evil is, good or truth misplaced.”
Somewhere in the past, in the tapestry of our father and mother’s lives lie answers to why they did what they did. But they’re not our answers are they Shel?
I so understand so much more now. Living in a truly loving way absolves both the riddle of the past and the difficulties of now.
I can feel it when you’re upset. I know when you’re worried. I can tell when you’re laughing. I know your joy. I’m intimate with your sorrows. I can’t quite grasp why we can’t mindtouch. el wonders if it’s because we are too close for that. I don’t think so. I have a hunch but I’m not ready to test it.
I know this much, I would be proud to be you Shel. You exemplify something else Ghandi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
It makes me proud to be a Q.
© 2004 M. S. Eliot
When I got up this morning the wind was making a strange sound in the woods on the mountain behind the house. el said that’s how the wind sounds in a bad storm. It’s been raining all night too, by the looks of it.
It’s strange in a way; so much I just take for granted out here, even though I haven’t had that much time out with ops. Noises I don’t know perplex me. A noise can stop me dead in my tracks until I identify it. Ian says it’s tied to being a protector. We’re more sensitive to everything going on around us.
Apparently Dr. Dwon taught you that being constantly hyper alert isn’t a good thing. In some ways I agree with that, in others I don’t. It does take a lot of energy I guess, but I still think it’s better to know what’s going on around you.
You haven’t shaken it completely yourself. You nearly always choose a table in a restaurant placed where you can see the doors your back to the wall. Being so attentive is what makes you a good reporter. You don’t miss much.
The rain is turning to snow now. el walked outside yesterday morning and said, “It will snow within 24 hours.” How did he know?
I’ve got a lot to learn if I’m going to stay.
Outside is bigger than I thought. And more complex than I remembered. It’s pretty discouraging. I can understand why Gwen and Baby stay inside most of the time. I don’t have any dreams to fulfill, no desire to be any particular thing like an artist or a writer, or to learn how to design websites. I doubt I’d be much good at public speaking or any of the rest of the things you Qs who make money do.
In fact I don’t know what I’m good at except watching and being ready to protect Taya and the Q.
Is that enough?
I know it sounds dumb but I’ve been reading about Ghandi. I thought he was totally non-violent. But he wasn’t unless I’m confused. Some of what he said indicates it’s all right to defend you family. Which made me feel better because I was getting all mixed up and feeling pretty guilty about always being ready to fight if I need to. You understand what I mean Shel; I know you do because even now you’re ready. It’s not about being angry. It’s not about expressing anger. It’s a cold silent readiness to defend what you hold dearest.
Then I wondered for a while why what happened to us had to ever happen to anyone. I know you wonder too, is evil just inherent in some people? Is it their response to society or lack of nurturing? Or is their brain awash with a batch of aberrant chemicals?
I know you have a difficult time reconciling your experiences with our father as scientist, teacher, hero and abuser.
You were constantly measured against his unattainable standard. No achievement ever won his true attention. You never earned his love.
Ghandi said this, “Man's nature is not essentially evil. Brute nature has been known to yield to the influence of love. You must never despair of human nature.” He also said, “Evil is, good or truth misplaced.”
Somewhere in the past, in the tapestry of our father and mother’s lives lie answers to why they did what they did. But they’re not our answers are they Shel?
I so understand so much more now. Living in a truly loving way absolves both the riddle of the past and the difficulties of now.
I can feel it when you’re upset. I know when you’re worried. I can tell when you’re laughing. I know your joy. I’m intimate with your sorrows. I can’t quite grasp why we can’t mindtouch. el wonders if it’s because we are too close for that. I don’t think so. I have a hunch but I’m not ready to test it.
I know this much, I would be proud to be you Shel. You exemplify something else Ghandi said, “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
It makes me proud to be a Q.
© 2004 M. S. Eliot
