Sunday, November 28, 2004
Not a Star System
Disclaimer (by Shel)
I woke up this morning and started melding files to send to nanowrimo for the word count process. I ran across a file I didn't originate. None of the other Qs claimed authorship either. I opened it.
Here it is exactly as written, with one edit - the addition of a period in his P.S.
OK, it's your debut dude. BTW, thanks. And thanks for letting us blog it too.
Hi Shel. It’s me India. Not a star system at all. Please don’t start referring to me as a subcontinent. That would be tedious.
I figured this was at least a way I can reach you, talk to you. I’ve been watching over your shoulder while you wrote most of this. I learned a lot.
I know, I told Eyvonne I know whatever any of you knows. But it’s only skills. Really I only know how to do things you know. If you, or el or Lillie know how to type or drive or ski I do too. It’s like Rainman, you know, the way he just knew numbers.
Maybe I just unconsciously tap the system resources. But I don’t know what any of you thinks or feels. I’m not Shadow. Or Keeper although my coming close to you inside is what broke his integration with you.
I’ve learned how to mindtouch everyone in the system but you. I’m sure there is some profound reason for that. Or maybe just a really stupid one.
It’s frustrating because of everyone in the system I naturally feel most drawn to you. I’m not dumb enough to miss how connected we are. The psychological symbolism of looking so much alike surely isn’t lost on you either. And then there’s my history with Keeper.
I’ve lurked around enough to know our collective history. I know who we are and why.
I know who I am. And I know I’m a Q.
I know you didn’t quite believe Eyvonne when she told you she sensed more than one of us when I had ops. She was right. Like many of us I have a twin. Like ‘rion’s Star and Vinnie’s Dani, she is somewhat disabled. Star couldn’t see. Dani couldn’t speak. If Taya were out in the real world she’d be termed autistic. I know there were little ones who are already integrated with some of you who displayed autistic tendencies when they were in the system on their own.
I’ve been doing some reading on autism. I got interested when you guys ‘met’ Hero Joy Nightingale and she published your article on her website. Yeah, I’ve been lurking around for a long time. I’ve been around as long as you have Shel. Like you I can be a tough guy. But Taya softens my outlook. She’s inside my head all the time. I guess that could be termed integration. I communicate with her. I hear her voice. She never acts autonomously. And yet in some ways maybe she does. The dreams you’ve been having that you correctly identified as coming from me really come through her. You saw her face. She was the child India in the last dream. She is woman/child. And she is also me.
By the way, Autistic doesn’t mean retarded. Hero Joy proves that, she’s at Oxford studying for her degree.
But it does mean a different experience of the world. They call it “locked in syndrome” sometimes. That pretty much describes Taya. She experiences only through me. She can express herself through me. And I protect her.
Even though he was integrated with you when we started coming closer to the system, Keeper sensed our presence. At one time he was instrumental in my decision to stay away. We had issues with each other related to Taya.
Back then she was separate from me and she was unstable. Keeper was sure if we came in then her condition would bring the system down. He tried integrating with her himself. I’m sure you remember when. He came close to bringing the system down himself. The threat didn’t pass until he integrated with you. I can only imagine how difficult that was for you.
At that time I refused to integrate with him, which was his first request. Surely you remember his integration evangelism streak better than I do, but what you don’t know is he went out among the hidden Qs and preached it to us too. He ended up taking in quite a few, including Taya. But not me. It was a big mistake for all of us. When Taya stepped back out he was devastated and she was lost. It felt natural for her to become closer to me. Now I really can’t quite remember how it was before it was this way. But Keeper couldn’t deal with losing Taya’s presence. Nor could he understand why the ‘glue’ didn’t hold.
Shel, you know all of this on some level. When Keeper was inside you he couldn’t have hidden it unless you willingly blocked.
As you’re so fond of saying “welcome to dissociation.”
Keeper’s attitude since he stepped back out on his own is related to me, to Taya showing up. He was, and probably still is worried our coming in will be a bad thing. He’s motivated by a need to keep you all safe. He and I have made peace, at least on the surface. But he dogs my steps with as much tenacity as you avoid me.
I still can’t figure out a way to speak to you other than this. Keeper says Taya is blocking it for reasons of her own. I sense he doesn’t trust her. So it goes without saying he doesn’t trust me either.
I can feel how bone weary the body is. Staying up any later isn’t a good idea. I hope you find this. I hope our tooth gets better soon. It sucks being sick. I think only Ian and I truly understand how sick we actually are.
I know you’re really unhappy right now, and I know why. You’re right I’ve got my own trust issues. I know the money stuff has you and el really worried too. I wish I could help. Maybe I can. If you feel like cutting, know this: I won’t let you.
I hope you find this. If you do, go ahead and blog it.
See you in your dreams.
P.S. Don’t start calling me Indy, I’m not a truck either.
© 2004 M. S. Eliot
I woke up this morning and started melding files to send to nanowrimo for the word count process. I ran across a file I didn't originate. None of the other Qs claimed authorship either. I opened it.
Here it is exactly as written, with one edit - the addition of a period in his P.S.
OK, it's your debut dude. BTW, thanks. And thanks for letting us blog it too.
Hi Shel. It’s me India. Not a star system at all. Please don’t start referring to me as a subcontinent. That would be tedious.
I figured this was at least a way I can reach you, talk to you. I’ve been watching over your shoulder while you wrote most of this. I learned a lot.
I know, I told Eyvonne I know whatever any of you knows. But it’s only skills. Really I only know how to do things you know. If you, or el or Lillie know how to type or drive or ski I do too. It’s like Rainman, you know, the way he just knew numbers.
Maybe I just unconsciously tap the system resources. But I don’t know what any of you thinks or feels. I’m not Shadow. Or Keeper although my coming close to you inside is what broke his integration with you.
I’ve learned how to mindtouch everyone in the system but you. I’m sure there is some profound reason for that. Or maybe just a really stupid one.
It’s frustrating because of everyone in the system I naturally feel most drawn to you. I’m not dumb enough to miss how connected we are. The psychological symbolism of looking so much alike surely isn’t lost on you either. And then there’s my history with Keeper.
I’ve lurked around enough to know our collective history. I know who we are and why.
I know who I am. And I know I’m a Q.
I know you didn’t quite believe Eyvonne when she told you she sensed more than one of us when I had ops. She was right. Like many of us I have a twin. Like ‘rion’s Star and Vinnie’s Dani, she is somewhat disabled. Star couldn’t see. Dani couldn’t speak. If Taya were out in the real world she’d be termed autistic. I know there were little ones who are already integrated with some of you who displayed autistic tendencies when they were in the system on their own.
I’ve been doing some reading on autism. I got interested when you guys ‘met’ Hero Joy Nightingale and she published your article on her website. Yeah, I’ve been lurking around for a long time. I’ve been around as long as you have Shel. Like you I can be a tough guy. But Taya softens my outlook. She’s inside my head all the time. I guess that could be termed integration. I communicate with her. I hear her voice. She never acts autonomously. And yet in some ways maybe she does. The dreams you’ve been having that you correctly identified as coming from me really come through her. You saw her face. She was the child India in the last dream. She is woman/child. And she is also me.
By the way, Autistic doesn’t mean retarded. Hero Joy proves that, she’s at Oxford studying for her degree.
But it does mean a different experience of the world. They call it “locked in syndrome” sometimes. That pretty much describes Taya. She experiences only through me. She can express herself through me. And I protect her.
Even though he was integrated with you when we started coming closer to the system, Keeper sensed our presence. At one time he was instrumental in my decision to stay away. We had issues with each other related to Taya.
Back then she was separate from me and she was unstable. Keeper was sure if we came in then her condition would bring the system down. He tried integrating with her himself. I’m sure you remember when. He came close to bringing the system down himself. The threat didn’t pass until he integrated with you. I can only imagine how difficult that was for you.
At that time I refused to integrate with him, which was his first request. Surely you remember his integration evangelism streak better than I do, but what you don’t know is he went out among the hidden Qs and preached it to us too. He ended up taking in quite a few, including Taya. But not me. It was a big mistake for all of us. When Taya stepped back out he was devastated and she was lost. It felt natural for her to become closer to me. Now I really can’t quite remember how it was before it was this way. But Keeper couldn’t deal with losing Taya’s presence. Nor could he understand why the ‘glue’ didn’t hold.
Shel, you know all of this on some level. When Keeper was inside you he couldn’t have hidden it unless you willingly blocked.
As you’re so fond of saying “welcome to dissociation.”
Keeper’s attitude since he stepped back out on his own is related to me, to Taya showing up. He was, and probably still is worried our coming in will be a bad thing. He’s motivated by a need to keep you all safe. He and I have made peace, at least on the surface. But he dogs my steps with as much tenacity as you avoid me.
I still can’t figure out a way to speak to you other than this. Keeper says Taya is blocking it for reasons of her own. I sense he doesn’t trust her. So it goes without saying he doesn’t trust me either.
I can feel how bone weary the body is. Staying up any later isn’t a good idea. I hope you find this. I hope our tooth gets better soon. It sucks being sick. I think only Ian and I truly understand how sick we actually are.
I know you’re really unhappy right now, and I know why. You’re right I’ve got my own trust issues. I know the money stuff has you and el really worried too. I wish I could help. Maybe I can. If you feel like cutting, know this: I won’t let you.
I hope you find this. If you do, go ahead and blog it.
See you in your dreams.
P.S. Don’t start calling me Indy, I’m not a truck either.
© 2004 M. S. Eliot
