Friday, December 24, 2004
Solstice
We put our family lodgepole up on the winter solstice... dead center in the labyrinth it touches the sky with feathers and prayer ties, wearing the colors of the four directions and four races, it is our best effort at restoring the balance of the universe, if just for a moment. We smudged, drummed, sang and laughed. Good stuff. Then we went inside to good food.
Eyvonne said the pole will sleep with the rest of the trees and waken in the spring, but I already hear it whispering dreams...
The pole isn’t the only whisper I hear. I wake at night with the sound of voices drifting away. Several times I’ve seen a young blonde woman holding a baby on her hip watching us from the shadows inside. I usually see her backlit as if she were standing in front of a small fire or fading sunset. I can’t make out details, but I sense like Link she is my doppelganger. I can tell she and the baby are grimy and ragged. I made eye contact with her once. Her gaze was unflinching, untrusting, and defiant. I recognize the stance. She obviously protects the child, but I sense she fronts for others still in deeper shadow. Link is singularly silent on the matter when I asked through el, but I think he knows her, or at least of her. el hasn’t seen her himself, but he said he senses her presence the way you know a deer is watching from a thicket when you’re hiking.
There’s nothing to do but let her watch until she feels comfortable enough to announce her presence.
Taya has been having terrible nightmares. So bad in fact she was reluctant to be away from Link at all. The last few nights she cuddled with Eyvonne and I saw/experience some of her nightmare(s). In one a large man comes through the bedroom door and looms over her. In another she/Link is looking down at the pond, which is almost drained. The fish have nowhere left to hide; they’re all crowded into the one remaining deep pool. Link pointed at the pond, turned to me and said
“What about this? What is happening here?”
I’d like to say I have the answer. Most of its not hard to deduce, Taya’s dream of the man looming over her seems to indicate she endured her share of abuse, not a surprise. It shows me she’s remembering and working through it as so many of us have. I think the depression I feel and the constant threat of tears is related.
I only wish one of us could really talk with her. We’ve done so much of this, we know what she’s going through and I really think it would help. Link, if there is anything we can do to make it easier to communicate please help that happen.
This morning when I woke there were flashes of light in the living room. At first I thought it was car lights from the road, but the curtains were drawn. Then I wondered if the power had gone out and Zac was using a flashlight to get ready for work, but he’d already left. It sort of looked like when the fire in the stove flickers through the damper holes on the door, a yellow light, warm and friendly. I got up thinking Zac had put a log on the fire. That would be a first he gets up 15 minutes before he needs to leave for work and never breaks stride to make sure we don’t freeze our asses.
But when I got up the front damper was closed and the fire nearly out. It was very warm outside, over 40 degrees warmer than two days earlier. It was windy. I wondered if what I’d seen was lightning but I’d heard no thunder.
Between Taya’s dreams and the mysterious light it was a strange beginning to the day. When I walked the dog I watched the wind whip prayer ties on the lodgepole. It stands firm even in this terrible wind. It’s a spiritual anchor in this turbulent time.
© 2004 M. S. Eliot
Eyvonne said the pole will sleep with the rest of the trees and waken in the spring, but I already hear it whispering dreams...
The pole isn’t the only whisper I hear. I wake at night with the sound of voices drifting away. Several times I’ve seen a young blonde woman holding a baby on her hip watching us from the shadows inside. I usually see her backlit as if she were standing in front of a small fire or fading sunset. I can’t make out details, but I sense like Link she is my doppelganger. I can tell she and the baby are grimy and ragged. I made eye contact with her once. Her gaze was unflinching, untrusting, and defiant. I recognize the stance. She obviously protects the child, but I sense she fronts for others still in deeper shadow. Link is singularly silent on the matter when I asked through el, but I think he knows her, or at least of her. el hasn’t seen her himself, but he said he senses her presence the way you know a deer is watching from a thicket when you’re hiking.
There’s nothing to do but let her watch until she feels comfortable enough to announce her presence.
Taya has been having terrible nightmares. So bad in fact she was reluctant to be away from Link at all. The last few nights she cuddled with Eyvonne and I saw/experience some of her nightmare(s). In one a large man comes through the bedroom door and looms over her. In another she/Link is looking down at the pond, which is almost drained. The fish have nowhere left to hide; they’re all crowded into the one remaining deep pool. Link pointed at the pond, turned to me and said
“What about this? What is happening here?”
I’d like to say I have the answer. Most of its not hard to deduce, Taya’s dream of the man looming over her seems to indicate she endured her share of abuse, not a surprise. It shows me she’s remembering and working through it as so many of us have. I think the depression I feel and the constant threat of tears is related.
I only wish one of us could really talk with her. We’ve done so much of this, we know what she’s going through and I really think it would help. Link, if there is anything we can do to make it easier to communicate please help that happen.
This morning when I woke there were flashes of light in the living room. At first I thought it was car lights from the road, but the curtains were drawn. Then I wondered if the power had gone out and Zac was using a flashlight to get ready for work, but he’d already left. It sort of looked like when the fire in the stove flickers through the damper holes on the door, a yellow light, warm and friendly. I got up thinking Zac had put a log on the fire. That would be a first he gets up 15 minutes before he needs to leave for work and never breaks stride to make sure we don’t freeze our asses.
But when I got up the front damper was closed and the fire nearly out. It was very warm outside, over 40 degrees warmer than two days earlier. It was windy. I wondered if what I’d seen was lightning but I’d heard no thunder.
Between Taya’s dreams and the mysterious light it was a strange beginning to the day. When I walked the dog I watched the wind whip prayer ties on the lodgepole. It stands firm even in this terrible wind. It’s a spiritual anchor in this turbulent time.
© 2004 M. S. Eliot
