Monday, November 29, 2004
India, Are you Listening?
So. Hi India. I gotta admit the temptation to call you Indy is pretty strong.
For anyone out there reading this who doesn’t already know, we’ve called our 1954 ½ ton Chevy pickup “Indy” since Owl and Thunder dubbed it “Indiana Truck” years ago. Every time we drove it back then we faced a ‘road of doom’ fraught with probable breakdowns.
It still has the original six-volt electrical system. The windshield wipers are driven by a vacuum system that works off the engine. When you go uphill, the wipers stop, frozen on the windshield where they were when you stepped on the gas. The heater spit out tepid air and the defroster never really worked unless you consider clouding up the windshield working. All winter the boys sat on the edge of the seat paper towels in hand ready to wipe the windshield. When they complained because Indy has no radio I’d say “This is 1954, sing!”
We sang a lot. Do you remember that India? Were you lurking around back then?
I can’t help wondering about your name. Most of us Qs have names that illustrate our job or contain a set of similar sounds.
“Trekker” is so named because his job essentially involved watching Star Trek when the emotional strife in Lillie’s first marriage got too high. When he surfaced into the Q he thought Start Trek was the actual outside reality. He was really disappointed he would never meet Talosians, Ferengis or Klingons. I pointed out they’re based on particular types of people.
“Trust me you know some,” I said.
On the other hand Trekker was relieved to know he’d never have to battle Gorns or stay on the alert for Kelvans.
Keeper’s name also derives his job. He oversaw a group of little ones who broke from his care to rampage through the system for a while. That was a wildly unpredictable time. Some of it was fun. It was always a riot taking Owl and Thunder sledding, to a movie, or an amusement park. It’s even more fun if you actually experience that excitement because you’re physically sharing ops with a l’ilone.
I like to let l’ilones sit on my lap and steer when I’m driving country roads, just like I did on farm roads when Owl and Thunder were little. By the time they could reach the gas and brake they already knew how to drive.
But back to names.
Shadow’s name also reveals his job. He maintains he knows EVERYTHING any Q knows, every hidden memory of abuse, every skill (knowledge is not application or experience), everything. He is after all el’s shadow. You most definitely are not highly linked to el India. No more or less than I’m linked to him anyway. Which is why your boast to Eyvonne that you knew everything any of us knows rang sour. I knew it wasn’t true. If you were worried about prompting mistrust, that was a bad topic to boast about.
I’m glad you clarified the issue. Most alters coming into the Q after years of hiding get up to speed rather quickly by tapping system resources. Very few however seem to be able to apply their new knowledge to actually accomplishing a complex activity without some practice. When Trekker was first learning to drive one of us who already knows how shared ops with him, kind of a Q driver education program. It’s like the difference between watching a video about riding a horse and actually riding one. There have been a few notable exceptions to the rule.
Ian for instance rode our horses the first time with no help, no instruction at all from anyone inside or out. He remembered it from his last life, or so he claims. He rides in a very distinctive way, confusing all but the most willing mount trained either English or Western style with signals they don’t know.
Our horse Chia quickly picked it up. He and Ian made a rare team. Ian’s style uses lots of leg prompts and very little rein. A bit isn’t required. In fact he sometimes used no reins at all, just Chia’s mane. They would whip through a line of aspen trees like barrel racers, Chia bending in tight circles, Ian’s leg almost touching tree trunks. You can’t learn how to do that from tapping system resources. Your body needs to ‘know’ how to move to make it happen.
When you were driving Thunder’s car I thought about Ian riding horseback. I knew then you’d either been around a long, long time and had had your times of stealing ops, or you were remembering something from a former lifetime. Like maybe you were a racecar driver? Then I noted your driving style is my driving style. And of course you look like me. So I guess I expected your name to somehow link us. India just doesn’t do it.
Many Qs names have ‘el’ in them. el is the most obvious example since it’s his entire name. He chose it as he cut Baby’s hair, naming himself after the poet T.S. Eliot. I quickly assumed a name in honor of another poet, Shelley. Back then I felt competitive with him. I couldn’t quite see the need of another male in the system. But I accepted him because he’s such a cool guy. We had a lot of fun as kids together. Being multiple means you never lack for playmates or company.
You might find it odd we chose poets as our heroes. But remember our mother read to us all the time. Words were everything to us, poetry the rhythm of our escape.
Another group of Qs has the sound ‘ie’ in their name; like Baby, Lillie, Jamie Lee. Lillie kind of spans those two groups. A third name set contains the sound ‘an or en’ like Ian, ‘rion, Gwen. Even if it doesn’t sound similar to you, it does to us. We could never get phoenics in school. We still don’t get it even though today’s it’s spelled phonics. What does ‘oe’ sound like anyway?
Owl is auditorially dyslexic. It has a subtle effect on his speech. He insists on putting an ‘n’ in the word couch. He says ‘counch.’ I think he comes by it naturally, I still say ‘prolly’ instead of probably. It’s what I hear. None of us Qs were much good at helping the boys with elementary school phonics homework.
But we were talking about our names.
There are Qs who go by numbers, like an alter spawned by Trekker who calls himself One. Ian had a baby alter who said his name was Ian Two, but later we found out he was really saying “I’m Iantoo.”
A long time ago a little one of ‘rion’s went by Twelve. Twelve was as close to that angry alter Dr. Dwon warned us about as any of us. It solved a lot of problems when they integrated.
Twelve is a definitive number for us. Shadow says so, therefore it is. He claims there won’t be more than 12 of us active at any given period of time. It was intended to be reassuring to me because I was scared back then there would eventually be so many Qs we’d focus inside and lose track of outside.
But I’ve gotten over that fear. Who’s counting. We’re fine. We have all the tools we need to get us through whatever you newbies throw at us. If you perceive that as a warning so be it, we’re dialoguing here.
Except I was going to say dancing, not dialoguing. That made me flashback to the first dream Taya sent me. Which annoyed me for some reason so I typed dialoguing instead of dancing. I think you two are getting to me. There must be some kind of mindtouch because it wasn’t like I just recalled it. I relived the entire freaking dream.
I’m sure later when I’ve had time to think about what just happened I’ll see meaning in it that I am missing at this moment.
Since I can’t quite grasp whatever message was intended there, I’ll go back to Q names. Welcome to another dissociative moment.
Star’s name didn’t seem to fit anywhere in any Q name pattern unless you follow our spectacular backward circular Q logic. Star = light. She was blind.
So. All that said, I still wonder where India fits. How ‘bout it? Fess up or I’ll start calling you Ink. Or Ghandi. And for that matter, how about Taya? What does her name mean? How do you guys fit into the system?
A Google search for Taya revealed the word is related to indigenous people in Venuzuela. It is part of a ‘welcome’ phrase of another indigenous group, the name of an ancient Tell in Iraq, a surname in Japanese and Arabic languages and a Star Trek Deep Space Nine character who was actually a hologram. Taya is also the name of an apparently infamous porn star, a running shoe and a line of jewelry. None of these connections rang any bells for us. I’m sure it means something to you, India and Taya. Maybe in time the rest of us Qs will understand too.
I guess I haven’t lost my obsession for mapping and charting the Q after all. Somehow understanding how we’re interlinked is important to me. It’s like a puzzle I’m bound to solve. But there isn’t any real solution. Not one anyway. It’s kind of like physics. You know when they get to the part of a theory that makes no sense and you have to leap over a bunch of mathmatics to make the equation balance.
Cartoonist Gary Larson summed it up nicely. He drew two physicists at a blackboard covered with numbers. One is saying to the other “And then a miracle happens.”
Someday I’ll be able to balance the equation, but I don’t think the miracle part will go away. Our life is one long miracle.
Anyway I’m very glad you wrote to me India. Even though it makes me uneasy that your name and Taya’s don’t seem to fit into the Q pattern. I won’t understand any sooner if we can’t talk at all. This is an ingenious solution to our unique problem.
I wasn’t quite sure about our initial conversations becoming part of this book. I was even less comfortable at first about publishing it to the blog. el said that’s a natural response for a guardian, born of an outdated need to stay hidden. I pretty much agree with him.
Although we’ve been presenting, writing and publishing about being multiple for nearly a decade, it’s one thing to write about ourselves and quite another to share the drama of bringing an alter in from the cold as it’s happening. Still, if people are ever going to understand what it’s like to be us, this could be a definitive experience.
As far as the nanowrimo exercise goes, this is still a work of fiction. Are you listening Oprah? Confession. As if you didn’t know, it’s not pure fiction. It’s more like one of those movies “Based on a true-life story.”
That’s us; we’re a true-life story. The small differences between this piece of writing and our literal history are insignificant.
I’m reassured to know you mean no intentional harm India. And thanks for your offer to block me from ops if I were thinking about cutting. Yes it’s an addiction. No, I don’t expect it will actually ever happen again.
I know you mean well to offer taking ops but it feels wrong. If there is one thing I can’t stand it’s not being in control of the body in the face of eminent, real, possible, perceived or imagined danger. That’s my job, my reason for being.
In the beginning it was simple. Lillie handled outside stuff. el maintained our cognitive abilities. Baby stayed inside. I guarded and protected all of them.
Now we know it worked only because unknown to us lots of others took on the burden of the bad stuff. One of my main jobs was protecting us from knowing that, but ironically I didn’t consciously know that.
Faced with your re-emergance now I can’t help but wonder what you did to keep us safe. I hope you’ll soon trust me enough to tell me. Even if you never do, whatever it was, thank you.
Right now you’re a puzzle India. A piece of math to bridge a gap in the equation of Q. Why India? Or are you just hiding your real name, hedging your bets until you’re sure of us. Trust me, we’re not so bad.
Things will get better between Eyvonne and I. Relationships have their ebb and flow. Don’t withdraw from Eyvonne, she needs us now as much as we need her.There’s been a massive amount of stress on us, good and bad, lately. It isn’t always this chaotic. Trust me, it’s been worse before. Our money problems will resolve. Our tooth will heal. I’ll be happier. So will you.
I wonder what Shadow calls you.
© 2004 M. S. Eliot
For anyone out there reading this who doesn’t already know, we’ve called our 1954 ½ ton Chevy pickup “Indy” since Owl and Thunder dubbed it “Indiana Truck” years ago. Every time we drove it back then we faced a ‘road of doom’ fraught with probable breakdowns.
It still has the original six-volt electrical system. The windshield wipers are driven by a vacuum system that works off the engine. When you go uphill, the wipers stop, frozen on the windshield where they were when you stepped on the gas. The heater spit out tepid air and the defroster never really worked unless you consider clouding up the windshield working. All winter the boys sat on the edge of the seat paper towels in hand ready to wipe the windshield. When they complained because Indy has no radio I’d say “This is 1954, sing!”
We sang a lot. Do you remember that India? Were you lurking around back then?
I can’t help wondering about your name. Most of us Qs have names that illustrate our job or contain a set of similar sounds.
“Trekker” is so named because his job essentially involved watching Star Trek when the emotional strife in Lillie’s first marriage got too high. When he surfaced into the Q he thought Start Trek was the actual outside reality. He was really disappointed he would never meet Talosians, Ferengis or Klingons. I pointed out they’re based on particular types of people.
“Trust me you know some,” I said.
On the other hand Trekker was relieved to know he’d never have to battle Gorns or stay on the alert for Kelvans.
Keeper’s name also derives his job. He oversaw a group of little ones who broke from his care to rampage through the system for a while. That was a wildly unpredictable time. Some of it was fun. It was always a riot taking Owl and Thunder sledding, to a movie, or an amusement park. It’s even more fun if you actually experience that excitement because you’re physically sharing ops with a l’ilone.
I like to let l’ilones sit on my lap and steer when I’m driving country roads, just like I did on farm roads when Owl and Thunder were little. By the time they could reach the gas and brake they already knew how to drive.
But back to names.
Shadow’s name also reveals his job. He maintains he knows EVERYTHING any Q knows, every hidden memory of abuse, every skill (knowledge is not application or experience), everything. He is after all el’s shadow. You most definitely are not highly linked to el India. No more or less than I’m linked to him anyway. Which is why your boast to Eyvonne that you knew everything any of us knows rang sour. I knew it wasn’t true. If you were worried about prompting mistrust, that was a bad topic to boast about.
I’m glad you clarified the issue. Most alters coming into the Q after years of hiding get up to speed rather quickly by tapping system resources. Very few however seem to be able to apply their new knowledge to actually accomplishing a complex activity without some practice. When Trekker was first learning to drive one of us who already knows how shared ops with him, kind of a Q driver education program. It’s like the difference between watching a video about riding a horse and actually riding one. There have been a few notable exceptions to the rule.
Ian for instance rode our horses the first time with no help, no instruction at all from anyone inside or out. He remembered it from his last life, or so he claims. He rides in a very distinctive way, confusing all but the most willing mount trained either English or Western style with signals they don’t know.
Our horse Chia quickly picked it up. He and Ian made a rare team. Ian’s style uses lots of leg prompts and very little rein. A bit isn’t required. In fact he sometimes used no reins at all, just Chia’s mane. They would whip through a line of aspen trees like barrel racers, Chia bending in tight circles, Ian’s leg almost touching tree trunks. You can’t learn how to do that from tapping system resources. Your body needs to ‘know’ how to move to make it happen.
When you were driving Thunder’s car I thought about Ian riding horseback. I knew then you’d either been around a long, long time and had had your times of stealing ops, or you were remembering something from a former lifetime. Like maybe you were a racecar driver? Then I noted your driving style is my driving style. And of course you look like me. So I guess I expected your name to somehow link us. India just doesn’t do it.
Many Qs names have ‘el’ in them. el is the most obvious example since it’s his entire name. He chose it as he cut Baby’s hair, naming himself after the poet T.S. Eliot. I quickly assumed a name in honor of another poet, Shelley. Back then I felt competitive with him. I couldn’t quite see the need of another male in the system. But I accepted him because he’s such a cool guy. We had a lot of fun as kids together. Being multiple means you never lack for playmates or company.
You might find it odd we chose poets as our heroes. But remember our mother read to us all the time. Words were everything to us, poetry the rhythm of our escape.
Another group of Qs has the sound ‘ie’ in their name; like Baby, Lillie, Jamie Lee. Lillie kind of spans those two groups. A third name set contains the sound ‘an or en’ like Ian, ‘rion, Gwen. Even if it doesn’t sound similar to you, it does to us. We could never get phoenics in school. We still don’t get it even though today’s it’s spelled phonics. What does ‘oe’ sound like anyway?
Owl is auditorially dyslexic. It has a subtle effect on his speech. He insists on putting an ‘n’ in the word couch. He says ‘counch.’ I think he comes by it naturally, I still say ‘prolly’ instead of probably. It’s what I hear. None of us Qs were much good at helping the boys with elementary school phonics homework.
But we were talking about our names.
There are Qs who go by numbers, like an alter spawned by Trekker who calls himself One. Ian had a baby alter who said his name was Ian Two, but later we found out he was really saying “I’m Iantoo.”
A long time ago a little one of ‘rion’s went by Twelve. Twelve was as close to that angry alter Dr. Dwon warned us about as any of us. It solved a lot of problems when they integrated.
Twelve is a definitive number for us. Shadow says so, therefore it is. He claims there won’t be more than 12 of us active at any given period of time. It was intended to be reassuring to me because I was scared back then there would eventually be so many Qs we’d focus inside and lose track of outside.
But I’ve gotten over that fear. Who’s counting. We’re fine. We have all the tools we need to get us through whatever you newbies throw at us. If you perceive that as a warning so be it, we’re dialoguing here.
Except I was going to say dancing, not dialoguing. That made me flashback to the first dream Taya sent me. Which annoyed me for some reason so I typed dialoguing instead of dancing. I think you two are getting to me. There must be some kind of mindtouch because it wasn’t like I just recalled it. I relived the entire freaking dream.
I’m sure later when I’ve had time to think about what just happened I’ll see meaning in it that I am missing at this moment.
Since I can’t quite grasp whatever message was intended there, I’ll go back to Q names. Welcome to another dissociative moment.
Star’s name didn’t seem to fit anywhere in any Q name pattern unless you follow our spectacular backward circular Q logic. Star = light. She was blind.
So. All that said, I still wonder where India fits. How ‘bout it? Fess up or I’ll start calling you Ink. Or Ghandi. And for that matter, how about Taya? What does her name mean? How do you guys fit into the system?
A Google search for Taya revealed the word is related to indigenous people in Venuzuela. It is part of a ‘welcome’ phrase of another indigenous group, the name of an ancient Tell in Iraq, a surname in Japanese and Arabic languages and a Star Trek Deep Space Nine character who was actually a hologram. Taya is also the name of an apparently infamous porn star, a running shoe and a line of jewelry. None of these connections rang any bells for us. I’m sure it means something to you, India and Taya. Maybe in time the rest of us Qs will understand too.
I guess I haven’t lost my obsession for mapping and charting the Q after all. Somehow understanding how we’re interlinked is important to me. It’s like a puzzle I’m bound to solve. But there isn’t any real solution. Not one anyway. It’s kind of like physics. You know when they get to the part of a theory that makes no sense and you have to leap over a bunch of mathmatics to make the equation balance.
Cartoonist Gary Larson summed it up nicely. He drew two physicists at a blackboard covered with numbers. One is saying to the other “And then a miracle happens.”
Someday I’ll be able to balance the equation, but I don’t think the miracle part will go away. Our life is one long miracle.
Anyway I’m very glad you wrote to me India. Even though it makes me uneasy that your name and Taya’s don’t seem to fit into the Q pattern. I won’t understand any sooner if we can’t talk at all. This is an ingenious solution to our unique problem.
I wasn’t quite sure about our initial conversations becoming part of this book. I was even less comfortable at first about publishing it to the blog. el said that’s a natural response for a guardian, born of an outdated need to stay hidden. I pretty much agree with him.
Although we’ve been presenting, writing and publishing about being multiple for nearly a decade, it’s one thing to write about ourselves and quite another to share the drama of bringing an alter in from the cold as it’s happening. Still, if people are ever going to understand what it’s like to be us, this could be a definitive experience.
As far as the nanowrimo exercise goes, this is still a work of fiction. Are you listening Oprah? Confession. As if you didn’t know, it’s not pure fiction. It’s more like one of those movies “Based on a true-life story.”
That’s us; we’re a true-life story. The small differences between this piece of writing and our literal history are insignificant.
I’m reassured to know you mean no intentional harm India. And thanks for your offer to block me from ops if I were thinking about cutting. Yes it’s an addiction. No, I don’t expect it will actually ever happen again.
I know you mean well to offer taking ops but it feels wrong. If there is one thing I can’t stand it’s not being in control of the body in the face of eminent, real, possible, perceived or imagined danger. That’s my job, my reason for being.
In the beginning it was simple. Lillie handled outside stuff. el maintained our cognitive abilities. Baby stayed inside. I guarded and protected all of them.
Now we know it worked only because unknown to us lots of others took on the burden of the bad stuff. One of my main jobs was protecting us from knowing that, but ironically I didn’t consciously know that.
Faced with your re-emergance now I can’t help but wonder what you did to keep us safe. I hope you’ll soon trust me enough to tell me. Even if you never do, whatever it was, thank you.
Right now you’re a puzzle India. A piece of math to bridge a gap in the equation of Q. Why India? Or are you just hiding your real name, hedging your bets until you’re sure of us. Trust me, we’re not so bad.
Things will get better between Eyvonne and I. Relationships have their ebb and flow. Don’t withdraw from Eyvonne, she needs us now as much as we need her.There’s been a massive amount of stress on us, good and bad, lately. It isn’t always this chaotic. Trust me, it’s been worse before. Our money problems will resolve. Our tooth will heal. I’ll be happier. So will you.
I wonder what Shadow calls you.
© 2004 M. S. Eliot
